I think I am seriously disturbed.
I know I am seriously disturbed.
And I am not helping myself.
I cannot distinguish if the disturbance is conscious or unconscious.
When I talk to people, I want people to agree with me and share my angst.
When people ask me to get over it, I just sink deeper.
I try - perhaps not hard enough - to distract myself, but I am too easily reminded.
I get irritated, very irritated when I see or hear certain words, and I keep coming across these stimulants.
I accept reality, because there's nothing else I can do.
But I am reluctant to work toward reality.
Still, I try my best to pretend.

(I'm like doing a self analysis i.e. psychoanalysis. And I figure out I am doing some sort of transference, mental transference. I'm transferring all the displaced passion to a random stranger who I happen to see all too often during the period of greatest turmoil. Actually, the passion is not transferred, simply duplicated. Now that he has "disappeared", I am returning to a state of displaced passion, double the intensity.

I keep thinking about signing up for vocal lessons soon. But I know it's a total wste of time and money. Each lesson can cost about $50 and it's time-consuming. Most importantly, it's not going to get me anywhere. It's simply going to bring me into another field and make me realize the cruel reality of my own inadequacy. Why do that, and at the expense of money and valuable studying time? That irony.

In case you are wondering, why the hell am I thinking about all this crap when exams are still going on? It's because we have to do course registration real soon and everyone is discussing about it already. Why are these people so enthusiastic?)

。尋找中@19:55